Wednesday, February 1st 2017

Good morning world! I am trying to begin today on a more positive note. I am drinking my coffee and just finished getting the girls ready for school. They are getting so independent. Once they leave I think I am going to make my husband a lovely breakfast, keto friendly of course. He has the day off and is sleeping in. I want to treasure this day together as we do not have a day to our selves very often. After breakfast I am sure he will want to play on his electronics for a while. So it is my goal to crank some music and start working on the house. I really want to try and stay motivated today. I have really been struggling with this since my middle daughter informed me that she wants to live with her dad. Maybe that would not effect some as much. Maybe I do dwell on it to much. I am not sure, but it feels like failure to me. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. Having a child that wants to leave my home for another is ripping my heart out. Having to act like it is okay is even worse. But that is what she needs. I always strive to put their needs first. 

I read a Facebook post today. A friend/fellow ex cult member that I follow had a nervous breakdown and has been in the hospital. He is doing well and is working on himself. He reached out when he was close to ending his own life. I am so proud of his strength for doing so. Reading through his lengthy post this morning reminded me that I need to ask for help more often. I think people are so used to me being happy and letting things roll off my back that most would be surprised to know how I feel inside. I think I am an empath. If I am even spelling that correctly. But I could also be misdiagnosing. I wish I could afford the mental care that I so desperately need. I am a piece of work. But don't worry, you ever meet me in person you probably wouldn't know it. I am kind and quiet, helpful and always trying to help make others feel better. It makes me feel a little better. Helps ease my pain, temporarily. But, that is why I started this, I need to write about my feelings and help work myself through this. I am trying to do the self help courses as well to help guide me and help me figure this out. If I can get motivated enough to do them! Gah! The struggle. 

Well, the husband just got up and in a couple minutes the girls need to go out the door for school. 


What am I grateful for today? 

My home and family. Spending the day with my husband and for my puppy. He is such a sweet heart. 

What was I confident in? 

That I would have a better today today then yesterday. That it would be more productive, and I would keep better track of things. 

What could I have done differently?  
I would have gotten more accomplished. 

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

Tuesday, January 31st 2017

Here we are upon another day! It is just before 8 in the morning and the family is all gone for the day. This is a better morning so far. I still feel a little heavy and weighed down but I did get some good sleep last night and that is always helpful. I am drinking my Keto and mentally preparing for the day. I need to make my to do list go over my affirmations and take the dog for a walk. I think I want to try some yoga today. Might be good for me to open up my body in this depressed state. Without my Keto I do not know how I would be getting through my days though. Seriously, fueling my body with ketones is feeding my brain and helping me stay more focused and driven. I am going to also do my first course today in Brendon Burchard's The Motivation Manifesto. Hopefully it also helps keep me going and focused on bettering myself. Being depressed and making changes is no joke! So here I go. Off to make my to do list and begin my day. 

 What am I grateful for today? 

What was I confident in? 

What could I have done differently?  

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

So it is Wednesday and I obviously did not come back and finish blogging. I hope today goes smoother. 

Monday, January 30th 2017

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept crying off and on. I am taking this really hard. My husband has assured me that I am a great mom and that since she has always lived with us, it makes sense that she wants to try living with her biological dad. She just wants to see what it is like. He is her parent too and it is not a reflection on my parenting. I guess because I have never experienced this I am having a hard time accepting that. It feels like a failure. So, I am going to try and be kind to myself today. I am going to meditate, exercise and try to go easy on myself today. Maybe focus more on my self development courses instead of pressuring myself to get everything on my list done. I feel very numb so I do need to keep moving today so that I do not let this consume me or spin me into a terrible depression as I am prone to do. I need to try and focus on the positives today. 

It is currently just before 8 AM, everyone has just left for the day. Husband off to work and kids off to school. I am going to sit here and finish this cup of coffee and then jump on the elliptical for at least 20 minutes. Then I will meditate for a few minutes. After that I will take a shower and get dressed for the day and try to get moving.  

So I am still nursing my coffee at 8:28. I have been sitting here longer then intended but I did go ahead and message all of my customers to see how they are doing and also reached out to three treasured people in my life to let them know how I am feeling and what is going on. I am proud of myself for this. Usually I keep my pains and struggles to myself because I am too afraid of bringing others down. I like to help others not be the one needing help. I am drinking my Keto now mixed with some water and raspberry La Crox sparkling water. Tastes great.  So there is a positive I guess. I am making progress even when I am down. 

I have gotten 10 minutes on the elliptical so far. I feel so numb, heavy and weighed down. I am taking a few minutes, or however long that ends up being and then I am going to take the dog for a walk outside. Maybe some fresh air will help. 

The walk was lovely. Not too long but we walked down to the creek and listened to the water trickling for a couple minutes. On the way back Otto started barking at something like crazy. Scared the crud out of me. It was most likely a deer or something that my eyes did not catch. But we went home and are now safe and sound in the house. I am drinking some water and working on nothing but hydration at the moment. I hate depression and the weight it puts on you. I have to force myself through every step and movement. But, I do think this blog is helping. 



What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for a husband who is patient with me and for holding me last night. I am grateful for family and friends that I can count on to offer kind words of encouragement and remind me that I am a good mother. I am grateful for Keto which helps me get through the day when I feel so off. 

What was I confident in? I was confident that I am a good mother and put my kids needs first above my own. Even when it hurts more then I can imagine. I was confident that I look better in my jeans as well thanks to my weight loss. They look dang good.  

What could I have done differently?  I could have been more productive and pushed myself to move more. I will work on that tomorrow with my fresh start. 

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

It is currently 3:14 pm. I am waiting on the kids to get home so that I can give the kids their chore list and help them accomplish their things today. Homework of course is always at the top of the list. I look forward to this time of day. I get hugs and we can talk for a minute about their days. Best part of my day during the week. :-) I have completed tasks on my list but have not gotten everything done. That is okay. I forgive my self today. My focus is to get more sleep tonight, I am going to take Melatonin to help with this. Tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start. 

Sunday, January 29th 2017

Today has been a super tough day on me that is for sure. I over slept my alarm and had to rush to get ready for the day to go pick up my middle daughter. Once I had gotten there her dad and her informed me that she is really pushing to live with him. She is 10 years old now and has actually brought this up to me a couple of times. She misses him all the time and feels like every other weekend is not enough time with him. Problem is he moved to far away for mid week visits and things of the like. So I just feel broken today, like a failure as a parent. I love my children more then anything and the idea of them living with some one else breaks my heart. Upon talking to her and trying to be a good parent, I have decided to let her live with him for the summer. I will get her every other weekend instead. But I can't stop crying today. It hurts me. I have always put her and her needs first. I have always bent over backwards to make sure she stays close to her dad. If he was not abusive to me things may have been different. My hope is that she will see things are not what she expects and that she will be happy to be home after the summer. But what if she isn't? Today sucks! I don't know what else to say. I will do my questions now in case I do not get back on here today.

What am I grateful for today? Being a wife and mother. Being a good person and being able to see past my own wants and needs.  Even when it hurts me. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head in a nice home and the ability to be a stay home mother. 

What was I confident in? Today, not much. I am trying to think of something. I guess I was confident in my ability to do the right thing. 

What could I have done differently?  I could have focused more on my task list and not broken down. I could have tried to stay more positive. 

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

Saturday, January 28th 2017

Today I am taking my baby girl on a mommy and daughter date. We are going to the book store to pick out a book, drink a pot of tea and play a game. Then we will head over to the cafe for a burger and fries ( I will be skipping the bun and also the fries) and she will get some ice cream. It should be nice bonding time together.

At this moment I am trying to take control of my morning. I am writing here while planning my day and drinking my coffee. After which I will stretch and do a little bit of exercise before hoping in the shower and getting ready for the day. I got to sleep in this morning which was glorious.

I need to reflect back on yesterday. Yesterday I accomplished more then I normally do, by far. Cleaning the cabinet fronts while hand mopping the floors was much needed. I do still really need to work on organizing though. It is almost a scary task to me because I do not know where to start. Maybe it would be empowering for me to take before and after photos. I think I may try this when my daughter and I get back from our mommy daughter date. If I do so, I will be sure to post them here.

My affirmations need to be said....

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

Also, this evening I will need to reflect on these questions for some self reflection... 

 I need to ask myself; 

What am I grateful for today? Today I am grateful for the wonderful time spent with family, for friends willing to help when I get stuck in the mud. For my husband who forgives me. For good family movies that are still fun to watch. We really enjoyed watching the movie Sing with our youngest daughter tonight. We danced out way out of the theater. I really do not care what the few who were still in there thought because it put a smile on my daughters face. And for the fast food worker (we picked it up for my son on the way home) who made me laugh when I asked a stupid question. I placed the order for my son and he asked, "is there anything else you would like to get?" I said, "Yes do you have water?" He paused and said slowly,"yes." So I ordered two large waters and pulled forward. My husband then proceeded to tell me I should have told him that I wanted H2O and to make sure it was not H1O because that stuff just isn't as good. Anyway, we all had a good laugh over that. 

What was I confident in? My ability to make my daughter happy. To enjoy a day in a way she would want to spend it without my own agendas getting in the way. I was confident as a mother and that feels good. 

What could I have done differently? I could have not gotten stuck in the mud and completed more of my daily tasks I had lined up for myself. I really want to get the house organized. Perhaps this week I can get to that. I also could have not eaten the ice cream after dinner. But it was date night with our baby girl and as long as it does not become a habit I guess it is okay. 

I am off for now to begin my day, drink my KETO, so that my body begins burning fat within an hour, shower and get ready. It will be a good day!

So the day is not quite going as I had planned. Ha ha. My youngest and I went into town, walked around playing Pokemon go as she loves to do. Went out to lunch at the cafe and visited with friends there. Then we decided to go to a movie. So we went home to get dad and make it a parents date with daughter. The boys were down at the river so we decided to drive down to let them know we were leaving. Our yard is quite large and wooded. It is beautiful. But we got stuck in the mud. In our yard. Needless to say the husband was not pleased with me, as I was the one driving ha ha. So after hours of messing with that and getting covered in dirt and mud and with the help of some friends,  we are now back at the house safe and sound. We missed the movie we were going to go to. So now we are snuggling up and watching a TV show until the evening showing. That was exhausting! It did add some excitement to the day though and I definitely am counting it as a work out. We dug and pried and pushed for hours. Before the hubby agreed to ask for help. I do not think much more of my to do list will be getting done today!

Have to Start Somewhere

I have never written a blog and am not sure if there is a particular format to follow but, I must begin somewhere...

I feel like my back ground is boring and just drags on because I really do not want to share a lot of it with the general public. I do not want to step on toes or hurt feelings. Lets just say instead, I had a very rocky beginning in life but a mother who deeply loves me and does not have the ability to be supportive as well as a father who is indifferent. I suffered abuse (of multiple kinds), neglect and being raised in a religious cult while growing up. That said, I have been left as a scarred and lost adult with out a clear path to follow. Here I sit at 36 years old still not knowing who I am, what I want out of life and how to get things right. I am in debt, over weight and in general, not fond of myself. That last one would be an understatement. I am very hard on myself, so much so that it hinders me in life. I have PTSD, Social anxiety and battle depression on a continual basis. Currently I am trying to change my life. I want to loose weight, be a better mother, wife, friend and person. I want to love myself and I know this is going to be a hard journey. Hopefully blogging about it will help to keep me focused and accountable. I have a very hard time being proud of myself as well. Okay, sucky intro but lets get into this now...

Here I sit, in my living room at my desk. Living out in the middle of no where in Oregon. I am a wife and mother of three children. Son age 15, Daughters ages 10 and 8. I love being a mother. Currently my oldest and youngest are playing loudly behind me making it very hard for me to focus. I will miss that sound when they grow up and move on. I love being a stay at home mom.

I wish I was doing better for them though. I have a wonderful husband who works hard and provides for our family. I should be keeping the house clean and organized and spending time interacting with the world around me but, I don't. I seclude myself and hide from the world in fear and embarrassment. I often do not accomplish much through out the day and that is depressing. This is one of the changes I need to work on. I need to start making a daily schedule for myself. I need to take back control of my days starting with the morning. I have purchased a self help course that I am hoping will help me with this.

I also have lost weight recently. I am no where near where I need to be. I am currently down 18 pounds and weigh 221 pounds. I am eating a ketogenic diet and using Keto//OS from Pruvit (www.tannamclaws.experienceketo.com) as well as promoting it. I absolutely love it but am not as successful as I could be if I was able to reach out to people. Social anxiety really hinders me in this area. Fear of rejection, fear of failure and lack of confidence are horrid issues for me. They are paralyzing. This must change! I need to act not sit. Moving and acting upon the changes I desire will enable me to start actually changing. Sitting idle will not. I know this yet I sit here nearly every day and drown out the world with meaningless things. This ends today!

So this is the beginning of my journey. Starting today I will exercise 5 times a week. I will keep a daily blog. I will track my food and make a daily schedule.  I will be more present in my own life. I hate that I waited until 11:30 on my first day to do anything. I am still in my jammies honestly. My kids have eaten cereal and have been playing video games and watching TV. I have done pretty much nothing. So, I will go drink my keto. Turn on some tunes and get these tasks done below....

1. Drink Keto
2. Turn on music
3. Clean the kitchen
4. Hang up laundry
5. Sweep/mop
6. Plan dinner
7. Give the kids chores
8. Organize the dinning room
9. Clean my room
10. Check my e-mails 
11. Exercise! 
12. Log my food
13. Take my self help course for the day- Brendon Burchard's Confidence Course

As I complete the tasks I will come back here and mark them off. I left out things like get dressed and bathe. They are important but  I am trying to just start somewhere.

Okay Lady, get to moving and stop your typing. Stop putting off the changes you want to make, the changes you deserve. I know I am not the only one who suffers and struggles with life but I still feel alone in it. That is my own fault though for not reaching out. I hate the thought of bringing others down and I never know what to say anyway.

See, there I go again lolly gagging.

Off I go....