Have to Start Somewhere

I have never written a blog and am not sure if there is a particular format to follow but, I must begin somewhere...

I feel like my back ground is boring and just drags on because I really do not want to share a lot of it with the general public. I do not want to step on toes or hurt feelings. Lets just say instead, I had a very rocky beginning in life but a mother who deeply loves me and does not have the ability to be supportive as well as a father who is indifferent. I suffered abuse (of multiple kinds), neglect and being raised in a religious cult while growing up. That said, I have been left as a scarred and lost adult with out a clear path to follow. Here I sit at 36 years old still not knowing who I am, what I want out of life and how to get things right. I am in debt, over weight and in general, not fond of myself. That last one would be an understatement. I am very hard on myself, so much so that it hinders me in life. I have PTSD, Social anxiety and battle depression on a continual basis. Currently I am trying to change my life. I want to loose weight, be a better mother, wife, friend and person. I want to love myself and I know this is going to be a hard journey. Hopefully blogging about it will help to keep me focused and accountable. I have a very hard time being proud of myself as well. Okay, sucky intro but lets get into this now...

Here I sit, in my living room at my desk. Living out in the middle of no where in Oregon. I am a wife and mother of three children. Son age 15, Daughters ages 10 and 8. I love being a mother. Currently my oldest and youngest are playing loudly behind me making it very hard for me to focus. I will miss that sound when they grow up and move on. I love being a stay at home mom.

I wish I was doing better for them though. I have a wonderful husband who works hard and provides for our family. I should be keeping the house clean and organized and spending time interacting with the world around me but, I don't. I seclude myself and hide from the world in fear and embarrassment. I often do not accomplish much through out the day and that is depressing. This is one of the changes I need to work on. I need to start making a daily schedule for myself. I need to take back control of my days starting with the morning. I have purchased a self help course that I am hoping will help me with this.

I also have lost weight recently. I am no where near where I need to be. I am currently down 18 pounds and weigh 221 pounds. I am eating a ketogenic diet and using Keto//OS from Pruvit (www.tannamclaws.experienceketo.com) as well as promoting it. I absolutely love it but am not as successful as I could be if I was able to reach out to people. Social anxiety really hinders me in this area. Fear of rejection, fear of failure and lack of confidence are horrid issues for me. They are paralyzing. This must change! I need to act not sit. Moving and acting upon the changes I desire will enable me to start actually changing. Sitting idle will not. I know this yet I sit here nearly every day and drown out the world with meaningless things. This ends today!

So this is the beginning of my journey. Starting today I will exercise 5 times a week. I will keep a daily blog. I will track my food and make a daily schedule.  I will be more present in my own life. I hate that I waited until 11:30 on my first day to do anything. I am still in my jammies honestly. My kids have eaten cereal and have been playing video games and watching TV. I have done pretty much nothing. So, I will go drink my keto. Turn on some tunes and get these tasks done below....

1. Drink Keto
2. Turn on music
3. Clean the kitchen
4. Hang up laundry
5. Sweep/mop
6. Plan dinner
7. Give the kids chores
8. Organize the dinning room
9. Clean my room
10. Check my e-mails 
11. Exercise! 
12. Log my food
13. Take my self help course for the day- Brendon Burchard's Confidence Course

As I complete the tasks I will come back here and mark them off. I left out things like get dressed and bathe. They are important but  I am trying to just start somewhere.

Okay Lady, get to moving and stop your typing. Stop putting off the changes you want to make, the changes you deserve. I know I am not the only one who suffers and struggles with life but I still feel alone in it. That is my own fault though for not reaching out. I hate the thought of bringing others down and I never know what to say anyway.

See, there I go again lolly gagging.

Off I go....


My list for the day...

1. Drink Keto:  11:50, already starting to feel more focused, driven and energetic. Lets do this! 
2. Turn on music:  Nothing like some music to boost productivity and feel better.
3. Clean the kitchen:  12:34 done with this task and sweeping! :-) 
4. Sweep/mop: Did the old fashioned mopping on hands and knees too. :-) 1:03 done.
5. Give the kids chores: 2:02 Done! But getting them to do it might be a struggle. 
6. Clean my room: 2:10 Done with room and have also been fighting the Internet. 
7. Hang up laundry:  4:00 did this and talked to a friend as well as dealt with my sons school via phone conference and long discussion with my son. 
8. Take my self help course for the day- Brendon Burchard's Confidence Course: 5:10 Done, notes taken and I will put down below my take aways. 
9. Plan dinner: 5:15 Chicken breasts, green beans and salad. 
10. Organize the dinning room:
11. Check my e-mails: I have done this twice today. 
12. Exercise!: 
13. Log my food: Logged my food consistently throughout the day using myfitnesspal. Such a great ap. 

So my lesson today in my confidence course was good. A lot of the information I already know I just do not put into practice. I am one of those who loves to help others and usually give pretty good advice but am unable to do so for myself. I am my own worst enemy. Some of my take-aways from today's lesson are to journal everyday. Which is partly why I started this blog, before the lesson I already wanted to start doing so. But also in each days journal entries I need to ask myself some important questions to help better myself. Because without self reflection I can not grow. I need to ask myself, What am I grateful for today? What was I confident in? What could I have done differently. But keeping in mind not to be hard on myself and not to beat myself up. To use this as a tool for my project of bettering myself .To make sure I am being congruent in my life and with who I am as well as how I interact with others. I also have to take better care of my body/ my temple. So some of the way to do this, I think we all already know. But I am going to make it a focus of mine each day and add it to my check list. Those items are: 

1. Sleep for 7-8 hours each night
2. Hydrate- half my body weight in ounces each day
3. Exercise daily, some strength, some cardio and some walking at least one of these each day
4. Meditate 
5. Stretch and open up my body once an hour. 
6. Eat Healthy and log my food
7. work on my posture

Doing these things will enhance my physique and mental status. Thereby increasing my self confidence. I do not have to be perfect, I have to make progress. Another thing I want to work on is to remind myself daily to be more present and that it is okay to be scared. To remind myself that if I do not generate confidence I will never be confident. So each day I also will check my mindset. Remind myself how I would feel and act and stand if I were confident already. And then try to act that way. Practice makes perfect right? 

I also want to put up some self affirmations around the house. A couple of those I have in mind are:

Things will turn out well because I am willing, worthy and able. Be patient with yourself as you go on this journey.

 I know that I can cope and act as I intend and succeed in building confidence and bettering myself. I will do a good job and today will be a good day. 

Looking at the time, it is 5:15, and looking at my list I am thinking the dinning room is not going to get organized today. My husband just got home from work and I need to start dinner. It is my goal to still complete my exercise and if I do I will update my blog once again to reflect that. But in all honesty, this has been a pretty productive day for myself and I am proud of what  have done and reflected on. It is a great start!

6:30 Update:

So my son has a friend coming over to stay the night so in all honesty I probably will not get my exercise done today. But I did move more then normal with the house cleaning and I still have progress. I have a really hard time exercising in front of people due to my social anxiety. Currently my youngest daughter is doing my hair as I type this. She is so sweet. I have made dinner and need to clean up the kitchen before bed. I have made a separate page to keep my schedule separate from my blog posts. This is one of the links on the side of my blog if you are interested. I do plan on adding to the end of my blog each day my completed check list so that I have documentation of what I have done and to look back on my progress. My blog should look cleaner after this one anyway. :-)

Have a great night.

 Oh and a quick reminder to self- tomorrow you are going on one on one date with your youngest daughter!